Bars and tone

One time when I was in high school I ruptured my spleen. It sucked. I had to be confined to bed for 3 weeks.Getting out of bed for the first time in three weeks is an adventure, believe me. Severe muscle atrophy would be one of the major setbacks of medically induced comas, but worth it I think (refer to my first post.) Then for another three weeks I was confined to the top floor of my house, no stairs allowed. Actually I guess that it didn't suck that bad. I got to miss six weeks of school and I got to stay up late every night and sit in our massage chair lazy-boy and watch late night TV. I had the late night schedule memorized for most of the channels. Some of the more notable programs were Martha Stewart Living which came on at 3 in the morning followed by The Nanny.

On a side note, the first thing I thought when I saw Fran Drescher in This is Spinal Tap is "Who did she have to sleep with to get that role?" not that she is a poor actress, just that that was the very first thing I thought.

Anyway after the Nanny I guess the network realized it was scraping the bottom of the barrel in television programming, so in order to preserve some sense of decency they just aired two hours of bars and tone before the morning news came on. Yes, good times indeed. I think I enjoy watching television much more when I am taking prescription pain killers. Of course I doubt there are many things I wouldn't enjoy more after a couple of Loritabs (Prescription drug abuse is illegal and morally wrong... and fun. But I don't do it because it is WRONG... and expensive. But the price doesn't make a difference because I wouldn't do it anyway... or would I? No, no I wouldn't.)

Anyway the point of this whole thing which I am getting to is this: Have you ever noticed that late at night they have a lot of commercials and infomercials for mechanical beds? You don't really ever see those on at normal hours of the day. They always say something like "Having trouble sleeping at night?" I imagine most of the poeple who are still awake late enough to see these comercials say something like "No, I am sleeping like a fraking baby. Dip shit."

So... I guess it is smart for the mechanical bed companies to advertise late, because they are hitting their target audience of poeple who can't sleep at night. I just think it is funny. That is all.

... Let's just say I am frugal

So right now i am just killing time until 7 PM. That is when I am going to a free dinner. I could go do something else right now like watch a movie, read a book, write a story, or fix my own dinner, but instead I am writing this blog and checking the clock in the lower right hand of the computer screen every two minutes to see the progress of time. In case you were wondering it is moving slowly. Why am I doing this? Because I am going to get a free meal. It is surprising the lengths I would go to in order to get a free meal. I wonder just how much of my life has been spent planning around free meals. I love getting things for free. Is there anything better that free stuff? I enjoy hand-me-downs because I can look at other people and say "They had to pay for those clothes and I didn't... Losers."

Yes interesting that getting things for free makes me feel like I am better than other people. I used to go to the deli right before they closed and sometimes they would give me all of the food that they didn't sell during the day. It was awesome. I also pulled the same trick at the gas station near my house, they would give me all their day-old doughnuts. I think it is pretty safe to say that getting things for free is one of my favorite things in the world. I have often thought that I was genetically engineered to be a bum. So while I am feeling rather bored right now waiting for 7 o'clock to finally roll around, I know that it will be worth it to get a free meal. Hell yes it will.

Cinematic Gold

If you were a movie genre what one would you be?

I would be an action-adventure western suspense... sci-fi musical... dramedy... sing-a-long. With fantasy elements... dramedic ones. Yes, with dramedic fantasy elements... and ocean sounds. Staring Gwyneth Paltrow and Mark Wahlberg... and Emilio Estevez, when he was in The Breakfast Club not when he was in Mighty Ducks. Rated PG-13 for drug use and sexual content, and intense dramatic elements... and porn.

Serious camel toe

I google image-searched "camel toe."
This is what I found.

Learning can be fun

I'm the kind of guy that thinks that learning can be fun. In fact I think it would be great if all games were educational in some way. There is a great game I really like to play with my female friends to help them learn the art of self defense. It helps them learn how to protect themselves when they walk the streets alone at night so they no longer have to live in fear but can stroll through rough neighborhoods with confidence.

The game is called Rape-Escape. Basically the idea is that I hide in the bushes until one of my female friends comes along at which point I jump out and try my best to rape them, while they try their best to escape. Now the object of the game is to escape being raped. If they do manage to escape the rape then they are awarded one point. If they are not able to escape then I receive one point. After the round is over we wait for a few nights before the second round begins. Each consecutive round is played the same way as the first and the first one to get five points wins the game.

In case you are wondering, I do not actually rape them. Why would I rape my friends? No no no. Play continues until the female either escapes or admits that, had I been an actual attacker, I could have raped and killed her. But I never actually do any raping or killing. Sometimes we can get caught up in the moment and I'll get maced or blood will be drawn, but that usually means an automatic time-out.

Come on, admit it

So I am of the opinion that 9 out of 10 people have gone to the bathroom and not wanted to wash their hands but thought that someone might hear them outside of the bathroom or maybe someone was in the stall or something and so they ran the water so it sounded like they were washing their hands but they weren't. I bet you have done that before at least once. I know I have.

Ambitions

I have three major goals for this blog.

Goal 1: I hope that no one ever sees this blog or finds out who it belongs to. So if you do happen to read it please don't post anything so that I can keep telling myslef that no one has ever seen it. This is an annonymous blog, and not one of those fake ones like my friend has but he tells select people about and he posts pictures of himself on it. No no, this is a real anonymous blog. You will never know who it is. It makes it more exciting that way. If you were to find out who it was you would not care in the least. But as long as you don't know (if anyone were to ever actually read this which I hope they don't) then you will always be thinking: I wonder if this is my friend, or the person I have a crush on, or could it be someone famous. Is this even really a guy? You will never know and so it is mysterious. One might ask "If you don't want anyone to see it then why have a blog." Good question. I guess it is kind of like an online journal that I can write zany things in or use profanity. For some reason I don't feel comfortable writing those things in my paper journal. I guess cause I know someone might read that one day and I want it to be mostly quality stuff in there. The other question you might be asking is "If no one ever sees or reads this aren't you kind of talking to yourself right now." Yes, and it is kind of weird.

Goal 2: My second goal is to never write the "F word" on this blog. I resisted creating a blog for so long because I thought that I wouldn't be able to restrain myself from using the "F word" but then I just really wanted to write about comas so I created one anyway and now I have a blog and so I thought I would write out this as a goal because that would help make it easier to keep.

I find that I gain alot of clarity flossing naked in front of the mirror.

Goal 3: I want to keep my posts short. Because it will be faster to write them and because it will be faster to read. You my be thinking that I am just some self important guy that thinks that people will care what he writes on his annonymous blog that he hopes that no one actually reads. But the fact is that I am not important and I don't really have a whole lot of anything to say so I will try to keep my blogs short so that I don't waste your time or my time.

It's not that I actually want to kill myself, it's just that if I found out tomorrow that I had terminal cancer I wouldn't make a big deal of it.

So those are my goals. I will add more as things go along and then maybe I will change the ones that I already have, or rearrange thier order. I just put drugs as one of the labels for this post even though it has nothing to do with drugs except for me saying that I put it as one of the labels even though it wasn't in this blog at all.

so yeah...

Coma Coma Coma

So have you ever wanted to be in a coma? I really wanted to be in a coma when I was in high school. I think it would be great if we could figure out a way to medically induce comas. It would be like a vacation from life, you know things getting a little stressful just take a week off. I wonder if you were addicted to cigarettes and you got yourself a three month coma if you could wake up without the physical addiction. You would probably still have the psychological habit but I wonder if it would make it easier to quit, I have heard that the first week is the hardest. Medically induced comas would definitely be a positive alternative to suicide. Instead of killing yourself you could just take a 3 year break and when you woke up everything would be totally different and it would be like a totally new life. And if things still sucked you could just go under another 3 years. I think that this could be a profitable business. We could charge by the week. We just need to figure out how to induce comas for a specific amount of time. If any one has any ideas how this could work let me know, cause I could really go for a coma right now.