A dark future on the horizon

No pun intended...

So with the election growing ever nearer I thought it would be important for me to learn a little bit more about the presidential candidates.


While they they agreed on some issues, like same sex marriage, and differed on others, like abortion, the most concerning thing that I discovered is that they both admitted to being "Christians"

Now for most of you this is probably an unfamiliar term as it was for me, but I did a little more digging and discovered that Christians share a primary belief in the teachings of "Jesus" and I was shocked to discover that not only did this Jesus die nearly 2,000 years ago, but HE WAS NOT EVEN AMERICAN!

Here is a short list of other people who weren't American: Karl Marx, Adolph Hitler, Yoko Ono.

THERE WILL NEVER BE A BETTER TIME TO VOTE FOR A THIRD PARTY CANDIDATE!

JUST SOME GUY'S HOT TIP #4

The time a child spends at home is invaluable. It's a time for life lessons that will help children deal with the tough issues that they will face as adolescents and adults. But many parents nowadays are finding themselves too busy to spend the necessary amount of time with their children to help them develop into healthy, stable members of society. Luckily toy makers are coming to the rescue with toys that are designed to educate and inform children about major issues in the world around them.

Suicide Elmo, for example, is a toy developed by Tyco to help familiarize children with the warning signs of suicide.
Suicide Elmo says a variety of phrases. When you tickle him he says "I don't feel like laughing" when you squeeze his hand he randomly says one of three phrases "You don't play with me as much as you used to" "I've just been really tired lately" and "If anything ever happens to me I want you to have my iPod" Suicide Elmo also comes with a rope and noose, cyanide tablets, and a handgun.

Tyco expects this to be the hit toy of the Christmas season, rivaling their "Tickle me Elmo" of 1996 but Matel is trying to snag some of the social issues toy market with their own Suicide Bomber Barbie.This Barbie is fashionable and willing to die to stop the westernization of her culture. Iraqi Conflict Ken will pick her up in his stylish armored car but this time they aren't going out to dinner.

These toys as well as many others that we can be sure are on the way will ensure that our children grow up informed and ready to face complex social issues maturely even if we don't have the time to teach and guide them ourselves. So HOT TIP #4 is if you can't raise 'em buy something that can!

Growing up is hard to do.

So I have this full time job, I've been working here like three weeks or so and I really enjoy it. It's tons of fun and they pay me to be here so who could ask for anything more right. Well this morning they passed around a card for everyone to sign for the C.E.O's assistant or something cause she has cancer. I have never met the lady but they wanted me to write her a message and sign her card. I sat there thinking about what I could possibly write to a person I've never met and still try to be sincere. Out of nowhere one of those crazy ideas came to mind, you know the kind, the ones where you think it is really funny but it is so socially unacceptable that you dismiss it immediately.

But then I couldn't think of anything else to write and the thought kept coming back to me. So I sat there really really wanting to write on this lady's card "Don't get F#@*ED by cancer!" and then sign my name. I even had to stand up and walk away from my desk and think about whether or not it was worth losing my job (as I almost certainly would have). In the end I decided that I should just write some pleasant little "hope you get well soon" garbage (garbage because it's totally meaningless, I don't hope she gets well soon. How can I, I don't know her. For all I know she is not even real) and signed my name illegibly because I was ashamed I put my name on something like that.

But I realized that I am becoming more responsible. I am growing up. I am losing my identity because it's more important for me to keep this job than it is for me to express myself in my own way. (Actually for me this is probably a much more positive thing than I just made it sound) My only consolation is that I can blog this and tell you all what I almost did instead of actually doing it.

Word on the street

Here Kitty Kitty Kitty

I Google Image Search-ed "tightrope walking music" and I guess the question is would you rather be a lion in a cage or a lion on a tightrope.

STOP INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY

JUST SOME GUY'S HOT TIP #3

Human beings take a drastic toll on the environment through their everyday actions. From releasing CO2 and other green house gases that are raising the earth's temperature, to ocean pollution and deforestation, the negative effects of humans on the earths delicate ecosystem can no longer be ignored.

The good news is that I have figured out a way to solve all of the environments problems in one easy step. If everyone on the earth were to take the life of just one other human being than the human threat to the environment would be completely neutralized.

Sounds to good to be true doesn't it? But it is, all that it would take to save our planet once and for all is for each of us to kill just one other person. Of course in many instances this will require some planning and careful timing, but together we can make a difference. Remember, the time for action is now! Stab your neighbor, Save the world!

Spam

Here is an email I received recently

Dear Sir/Ma,

I am the only Daughter of my late parents Mr.and Mrs. Linus. My father was a highly reputable business magnet who operated in the capital of cote D' Ivoire during his days. It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad year 12th Febuary 2004.Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of his who travelled with him at that time. But God knows the truth! My mother died when I was just 6 years old and since then my father took me so special.

Before his death on Febuary 12 2004 he called the secretary who accompanied him to the hospital and told him that he has the sum of fifteen million, seven hundred thousand United State Dollar (USD$15.700,000)left in a box called consignment in one of the leading Security company in Africa. He further told him deposit that he deposited the money with my name, and finally issued a written instruction to his lawyer who he said is in possession of all the
necessary but legal documents to this fund and the bank. I am just a university undergraduate and really don't know what to do now. And also I am a deaf girl.

I need urgent assistant were this box funds will be delivered to you then you will deposit the whole money into your bank account after retriving the box money from the security company and after the transaction I will come and live with .This is because I have suffered alot of set backs as a result of incessant political crisis here in Cote d' Ivoire. The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life and i wished to invested under your care please. I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistant in this regards.

Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. Now permit me to
ask this few questions:-
{1} Can you honestly help me .
{2} Can I completely trust ? .
{3}What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for
you after the money is in your account while i finalies my education?.

Kindly get back to me if you are interesting for allow me investing this funds to your company. I am looking forward to hear from you. I need your failtful assistant, please read this mail and get back to me immediately.I decided to investing the whole money into your company.

Please contact me on this my second emai: ritalinus@hotmail.fr

Thank you once again.

Yours Deafuly,
Miss Rita Linus

This is my reply

Dear Deaf Girl,

I could possibly be sorry for your predicament. Please send a head shot and at least 2 full body shots from different angles so that I can determine whether or not I care.

- Just S. Guy

I guess I just believe in balance

So I was thinking that there ought to be organizations opposed to PETA. I don't mean like cattle ranchers or chicken farmers, I mean people who want to kill animals as much as PETA wants to save them. Not to eat them, not to hunt them, but to eradicate them because they hate them. I tried to find such an organization by google searching "extermination of all animals" and "animal genocide" but I couldn't find anything so then I posted this thread on a craigslist discussion board.I don't really hate animals, in fact I really like cats and some dogs once I get to know them. But I am just thinking that if there are people out there who want to exterminate blacks and say they are no better than monkeys, were are all the people who are trying to exterminate monkeys?

Not sure what I was expecting...

I Google image searched "down syndrome hopscotch".

The results were boring as hell.

If you thought Abraham Lincoln was a great American hero before...

Check out this poem published on August 25, 1838, in The Sangamo Journal of Springfield Illinois.

Here, where the lonely hooting owl
Sends forth his midnight moans,
Fierce wolves shall o’er my carcase growl,
Or buzzards pick my bones.

No fellow-man shall learn my fate,
Or where my ashes lie;
Unless by beasts drawn round their bait,
Or by the ravens’ cry.

Yes! I’ve resolved the deed to do,
And this the place to do it:
This heart I’ll rush a dagger through,
Though I in hell should rue it!

Hell! What is hell to one like me
Who pleasures never know;
By friends consigned to misery,
By hope deserted too?

To ease me of this power to think,
That through my bosom raves,
I’ll headlong leap from hell’s high brink,
And wallow in its waves.

Though devils yell, and burning chains
May waken long regret;
Their frightful screams, and piercing pains,
Will help me to forget.

Yes! I’m prepared, through endless night,
To take that fiery berth!
Think not with tales of hell to fright
Me, who am damn’d on earth!

Sweet steel! come forth from your sheath,
And glist’ning, speak your powers;
Rip up the organs of my breath,
And draw my blood in showers!

I strike! It quivers in that heart
Which drives me to this end;
I draw and kiss the bloody dart,
My last—my only friend!

Many experts believe that this poem was written by Brother Lincoln who seriously considered suicide at least two different times in his life.

I <3 Lincoln!

Vacation!

I posted this on the ride board at a local university.

Who wouldn't hire me.

Here is an excerpt from a cover letter I just sent.

"If I had to list my talents in order I would say that my greatest asset is my ability to find the humor in any situation, especially the death of a family member.
That was a joke.

I do have a love for life and I thrive off of life’s little jokes like HIV and Down Syndrome."

I hope I get the Job.

Happy Mother's Day!

This reminded me of you because it touched my heart.

Some people are REALLY ticklish

I Google image searched "dirty mom tickle" and this is what popped up:

Me? Bitter?

So I saw and ambulance on my way home tonight and it inspired me to write this poem which I call:

I Saw an Ambulance on My Way Home Tonight

I saw an ambulance on my way home tonight
And all I could think was
Please, please, please...
Please let it be her.

Let it be her.
Let it be her with blood flowing.
Let it be her, wrists cut, neck broken.
Please, please, please...

- J. S. Guy

Then I wrote another poem which I called:

I Blew The Candles Out on The Cake and Wished That You Would Hang Yourself

I blew the candles out on the cake and wished
That you would hang yourself.
But even thinking of you like that
Made me feel like throwing up.
I'm so damn sick of knowing you're out there
Thinking, feeling, breathing.
I'll do it myself if I have to.

Eat sh@# and die Bi%$#,
Eat sh@# and die!

- J. S. Guy

Vanity

I tried to order a vanity plate but apparently someone already had it.Needless to say I was really disappointed.

STOP INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY

JUST SOME GUY'S HOT TIP #2

Are you looking for a way to boost profits? Here is a suggestion that is sure to get any business in the black. Just copy an already successful industry. For example Hershey's has copied the wildly successful "Powdered Drug" industry's package design. This has been huge for Hershey's who has been able to introduce their new Icebreakers mint products to new markets that they never would have been able to reach otherwise. And buyers don't seem to have a problem with the packaging confusion. It could be mint candy or it could be sweet sweet cocaine, but either way they don't seem to mind. So if you really want to boost your profits find an already successful industry and copy them as much as possible. Just look at this great packaging concept for a new line of garden mulch: They are going to make millions!

No one ever listens untill it's too late

I warned you here. But did anyone do anything about it? Apparently not as the growing bovine population has organized in several midwestern states to turn the tables on us. And not only have they started killing and eating humans, but because each pound of man flesh costs much less than the standard going rate for beef, they have even got us eating each other.



Our laxed approach to beef consumption got us into this mess. And now we're going to have to eat our way out.

Love conquers all

Bi-racial couples used to be shunned by both black and white alike.
Many felt that it was inappropriate to date and marry outside your own race. But now minds are opening and most of society is realizing that those old ideas just aren't true......and we are finally beginning to accept the beauty of mixed-race families.This is a triumph for anyone that believes that love can overcome all obstacles.

JUST SOME GUY'S HOT TIP #1

Looking for a birthday or holiday gift that is unique and useful? Get a coffin. Everybody needs one. Anniversary? Buy a mathced set. It's also great as an engagement gift for that special someone. Can you think of a better way to say "I want to be with you FOREVER."

When you find the one you want why wait until you actually need it. Funerals are only going to get more expensive, and buying a coffin upfront could save hundreds, possibly thouasnds of dollars. And the bonus is that untill it's time to be put in the ground, your coffin can serve as a decorative chest to hold blankets, children's toys, family keepsakes, or just about anything else you can imagine. I think you'll find that it is so handy that after your loved-one has been burried you'll want another coffin just to keep all your crap in.

Treats

I haven't really eaten anything all day, except for some strawberry mini-wheats that I had this morning.I wish some handsome man would come feed me treats.

Target Market

I posted a blog about how Africans are happy that they are more likely to get HIV. It was of course a joke. I received the following comment:

TV Digital said...

Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the TV Digital, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://tv-digital-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.

Do you think it's possible that TV Digital didn't actually read the blog post? I do.

...Unless of course Brazilian digital TV salesmen think it's funny that Africans get HIV. That kind of would make sense.

STOP INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY

The latest on HIV

So my recent conversation with my friend about sexually transmitted diseases got me curious so i decided to do some more research. I started with a google image search.
Didn't learn much except that this kid is pumped he is an African because he is many times more likely to get HIV for his birth-day then any kid in America... lucky bastard.

Why does talking about sexually transmitted diseases always get akward?

So I sent this heart as a valentine to a friend of mine and it sparked the following conversation


Katelin: why thank you for the valentines candy heart

me: oh no problem, i want to share hiv with everyone. I <3>

Katelin: yes, of course. Why not spread the cheer of HIV

me: exactly, the gift that keeps on giving

Katelin: ...until it kills you

me: ...yeah. I guess this is the one situation where re-gifting is ok.

me: speaking of sexually transmitting diseases, how was your valentines day?

She didn't say anything back...

Merry Christmas

Ok, so i'm late. But better late than never. And check it out, i got you all an awesome gift.
That's right! It's a cat in a box. If you are anything like the rest of us, this is the one gift you always wanted but never got.

Blog-lonely Bologna

So I started this blog right after I broke up with my girlfriend and I posted pretty regularly until we got back together. Then it was intermitent at best. Now we have broken up again and I have this unexplainable desire to blog again. Well maybe it is explainable. Maybe I just feel rejected and I am throwing "myself" out there with this blog hoping that someone will find me and accept me. So are bloggers all just lonely people searching for acceptance? Why aren't we out actually talking to each other and socializing like healthy adults? BLOGS - Just another way that technology seperates us at the same time it tricks us into thinking we are connected.