Remember when...

KEEP US ON THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN!!!

A long long time ago...

So I just read Gilgamesh. That guy seemed pertty tight, He was all cut and hardcore and stuff. But then he just died in the end... wuss.

June showers

So... sometimes when I go to parties I like to take showers. Especially when they are parties at big houses where rich people live. Throughout the years there have been three instances where I have been moved upon to shower during a party. They are as follows:

1. 2002, I had just come from a steamy dance party and I was sweaten heavy. I was at a large house for an end of the year party and I went to the bathroom. While in there I noticed that they had a shower and I thought to myself, five minutes and I could cure my sweatiness. Five minutes later I was fresh as a spring morning and no one ever new the difference.

2. 2007, I was hanging out with my little brother and his friends and we went to a party at a huge house up on the hill. While exploring the house with "Ben" we found a rarely visited wing of the house that had two guest bedrooms next to each other. Each of the bedrooms had bathrooms with showers. If I stood in one and Ben in the other we could talk to each other through the wall. I proposed a race. He accepted. The rules were that you had to wash everything that you normally washed in a shower. He won.

3. Last night, We went to a big party up on the hill next to the university. It was supposed to go until 2 in the morning but it had been shut down by the time when we got there at 1:15. We felt kind of jyped that we missed out on the party so a friend of mine and I went into the house to explore it. It was quite nice, and one thing it had was a bathroom with a large jacuzzi with all sorts of water spouts. We had just been hot tubbing and I wanted to wash off all of the chlorine, so I suggested we take a bath. We disrobed and hopped in. They had this wierd purple protein shampo that I used to wash my hair, and I was pretty happy with the results. After we were done we discovered that there was nothing to towell off with except the hand towell next to the sink and the rug on the floor. I used the handtowell. We were trying to be as quiet as possible but it was difficult to keep from laughing as I dried "myself" off with the handtowell that I imagined someone might be using later. Then we got dressed and raided their freezer for ice cream sandwiches.

If you have never showered at a party, I suggest that you try it. It has been some of the best times that I have ever had at parties.

STOP INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY

Peppermint Patty

So there was this girl that was at my house for a dance party like three months ago. I thought she was way cute so I tried to meet her. Somehow she managed to escape. Then she came back to my house like two other times and I even tried to have one of her friends introduce us but that still somehow failed. I then saw her at a party of a mutual friend and she still managed to evade me.

I was pretty sure that she wasn't avoiding me on purpose, that I just wasn't being forward enough, but then tonight I wet hot tubbing and she was there and I started trying to talk to her again, I had said something to her and she answered me and then all of a sudden this guy sitting next to me butts in with a comment. She looked at him and suddenly said "Hi I'm Emily" So he is there for two minutes and has already accomplished more than I have in three months.

Later I actually said to her "you know I haven't actually met you yet, but I have seen you around a bunch of times"

"Yeah you look familiar" she says, then suddenly she is distracted by someone else and I have still not met her.

Fast forward five minutes and I try again. I had overheard her use the term "Charlie Brown" as a euphemism for I'm not sure what. So I said "What's a Charlie Brown?"

She answered "There are two..." And again she was distracted.

I am beginning to think that her distractions were by choice. So I have still not met her. My goal now is to continue to almost meet her but never actually succeed because the more times it happens the funnier it gets. Well... either that, or I'm going to punch her right in the "Peppermint Patty". The jury's still out on that one.

Saving face

So at this point I would like to apologize for my previous post, I won't delete it cause I like it, but I hope this post will redeem it somewhat. I felt like it was not respectful of sex. Ironically that is probably because I meant everything I said, so it was uncomfortable. Because of that I thought it would be good to share some of my thoughts on sex. SO... Becase making love is the pinnacle of the physical expression of love it should be elevated, it should be made special and sacred. During the act of sexual intercourse we come the closest to God's power that we ever will in life, we actually share in his power to create life. This is probably the most power that we will ever have in this life. So this is another reason it should be made sacred. Also sex is the culmination of powerful spiritual, emotional, and physical feelings that exist between a husband and wife. It unites them in more than one way, and is a way of renewing the promises they make to each other at marriage. So again, even when not procreating, sexual intercourse between a husband and wife should be a special, sacred thing. The more direct meaning we can give sex, by making it truly communitive of emotianal, spiitual, and physical love, the more we will elevate it and make it special and the more pleasure, fullfillment, and security it will give us.

Just joking

So I use the term joking quite often. But for me it usually doesn't mean that what I said wasn't true. It usually means that it was true, but I thouht it was funny enough for me to actually come out and say it aganst my better judgement. Had it not been so funny I wouldn't of said it but I still would have thought it. For instance talking to a freind of mine and for some reason the phrase "I'd totaly do you" came out. And for some reason instead of luaghing it off she was like "wait are you serious?" and all of a sudden I didn't know what to do. Was I serious? I was definitely joking, but does that mean that it wasn't true? Cause I would totaly do her, or at least I would want to but becase I don't believe in premarital sex we would have to be married. So in a way I was totally serious so I wasn't sure if I was joking anymore, then I started feeling awkward. For some reason it is only ok for me to say exactly what I am thinking if people think that it is a joke, which it is, because if it wouldn't have been a joke I wouldn't have said it. Cyclical? Maybe. The important thing to remembner is that if we were marred i would totally do her... hard.

I'm Glad I'm a Boy, I'm Glad I'm a Girl

So I was introduced to my favorite book in a class where my professor was trying to make the point about texts being a relic through which we can study the social atmosphere at the time the text was produced because several prevailing social attitudes will be present in the text. Anyway, that said the reason it is my favorite book is because i think that it is funny. So funny. It is a children's book and it is absolutely sexist. I am not sure if it is trying to make some sort of ironic point or if it is straightforward sexist. I guess you would have to know more about Whitney Darrow Jr. to answer that. I have a digital copy of all of the pages that I got by request from my professor, and one of my good good friends printed it up at Kinko's and made a pseudo book for me for my birthday, so if anyone wants to read it just let me know.

Or you can buy it on the internet for $249.95.

No, for reals that is the going rate. It's not everyday that you find a children's book that has increased in value about 50,000%.

By the way, it is called
I'm Glad I'm a Boy, I'm Glad I'm a Girl.

Pictures

It has been three weeks since my incredible journey. I had some sweet pictures of my sunburned legs and of a rather gnarly blister on my toe but they were taken by my roommate and he refuses to give them to me until I start a blog. This is ironic since I already have a blog and I am actually writing on it right ...now!

That tramp!

So just about an hour ago I was jumping on the trampoline and I landed on my back and one of the springs broke and shot me in the ribs. It hurt. But for some reason it just keeps hurting worse and worse. It wasn't that bad at first but then it slowly started bleeding (yeah that is weird) and now it is getting very swollen and tender. That is all.

Sunburn

So my adventure is over. I made it. 64.2 miles in two days. 41.7 the first day and 22.5 the second day (according to google maps). I looked an awful lot like a homeless person in gym shorts. My feet hurt and my legs are very sunburned. Very sunburned. VERY.

The Trek

So, one of my major goals for this summer was to make an incredible journey from whre I live now to my parents house about 70 miles away... on foot. This is true, I will be leaving on friday the 11th of May and arriving sometime on the 12th. CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY. That's what people keep telling me anyway. I can't believe the number of people who think that some sort of bodily harm is going to come to me, I mean it's not like I will be walking in the middle of the highway wearing a blindfold (although that could get intereseting) I am just going to be taking less traveled streets the whole way. And it won't exactly be through rough neighborhoods either, I will probably be more in danger of being invited to family diner in suburbia than of being shot in the head and having my brains drip down my face and tasting my own brains right before I die.

All this week I have been so excited to go on this adventure but then I kind of hurt my knee dancing and now I am less excited. I am still going though. I leave tomorrow. Wish me luck. Or don't, I don't care, I'll just sneak into your room at night and...

Last meal

If you were about to be executed, what would you request as a last meal?

I would ask for a ceaser salad with crutons and feta cheese, homemade rolls, some raspberries, a large vegetarian pizza (with artichoke), 6 strips of bacon, fettuccine alfredo with chicken, some sauteed mushrooms, a spicey McChicken sandwich, 3 sausage patties, 3 pieces of french toast, a gallon of eggnog, 12 boiled eggs (in the spirit of Joey Lawrence), a chicken chimichanga, a whole watermelon, 3 filet mignons, a cut of dog (hell, I'm about to die, why not?), a baked potato with chili and sour cream, porcupine meatballs in gravy like my mom makes, a glass of O.J., and a little lamb. I think I would just take a bite of everything and waste the rest just to spite whoever was about to execute me. Exept for the porcupine meatballs in gravy, I would eat all of those. Also, I would request a fish burrito from Molcha Salsa, and some orange chicken. Oh and a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips... and a bottle of grape juice... and a number 6 from Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles... and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... with banana... and Paris Hilton.

Bars and tone

One time when I was in high school I ruptured my spleen. It sucked. I had to be confined to bed for 3 weeks.Getting out of bed for the first time in three weeks is an adventure, believe me. Severe muscle atrophy would be one of the major setbacks of medically induced comas, but worth it I think (refer to my first post.) Then for another three weeks I was confined to the top floor of my house, no stairs allowed. Actually I guess that it didn't suck that bad. I got to miss six weeks of school and I got to stay up late every night and sit in our massage chair lazy-boy and watch late night TV. I had the late night schedule memorized for most of the channels. Some of the more notable programs were Martha Stewart Living which came on at 3 in the morning followed by The Nanny.

On a side note, the first thing I thought when I saw Fran Drescher in This is Spinal Tap is "Who did she have to sleep with to get that role?" not that she is a poor actress, just that that was the very first thing I thought.

Anyway after the Nanny I guess the network realized it was scraping the bottom of the barrel in television programming, so in order to preserve some sense of decency they just aired two hours of bars and tone before the morning news came on. Yes, good times indeed. I think I enjoy watching television much more when I am taking prescription pain killers. Of course I doubt there are many things I wouldn't enjoy more after a couple of Loritabs (Prescription drug abuse is illegal and morally wrong... and fun. But I don't do it because it is WRONG... and expensive. But the price doesn't make a difference because I wouldn't do it anyway... or would I? No, no I wouldn't.)

Anyway the point of this whole thing which I am getting to is this: Have you ever noticed that late at night they have a lot of commercials and infomercials for mechanical beds? You don't really ever see those on at normal hours of the day. They always say something like "Having trouble sleeping at night?" I imagine most of the poeple who are still awake late enough to see these comercials say something like "No, I am sleeping like a fraking baby. Dip shit."

So... I guess it is smart for the mechanical bed companies to advertise late, because they are hitting their target audience of poeple who can't sleep at night. I just think it is funny. That is all.

... Let's just say I am frugal

So right now i am just killing time until 7 PM. That is when I am going to a free dinner. I could go do something else right now like watch a movie, read a book, write a story, or fix my own dinner, but instead I am writing this blog and checking the clock in the lower right hand of the computer screen every two minutes to see the progress of time. In case you were wondering it is moving slowly. Why am I doing this? Because I am going to get a free meal. It is surprising the lengths I would go to in order to get a free meal. I wonder just how much of my life has been spent planning around free meals. I love getting things for free. Is there anything better that free stuff? I enjoy hand-me-downs because I can look at other people and say "They had to pay for those clothes and I didn't... Losers."

Yes interesting that getting things for free makes me feel like I am better than other people. I used to go to the deli right before they closed and sometimes they would give me all of the food that they didn't sell during the day. It was awesome. I also pulled the same trick at the gas station near my house, they would give me all their day-old doughnuts. I think it is pretty safe to say that getting things for free is one of my favorite things in the world. I have often thought that I was genetically engineered to be a bum. So while I am feeling rather bored right now waiting for 7 o'clock to finally roll around, I know that it will be worth it to get a free meal. Hell yes it will.

Cinematic Gold

If you were a movie genre what one would you be?

I would be an action-adventure western suspense... sci-fi musical... dramedy... sing-a-long. With fantasy elements... dramedic ones. Yes, with dramedic fantasy elements... and ocean sounds. Staring Gwyneth Paltrow and Mark Wahlberg... and Emilio Estevez, when he was in The Breakfast Club not when he was in Mighty Ducks. Rated PG-13 for drug use and sexual content, and intense dramatic elements... and porn.

Serious camel toe

I google image-searched "camel toe."
This is what I found.

Learning can be fun

I'm the kind of guy that thinks that learning can be fun. In fact I think it would be great if all games were educational in some way. There is a great game I really like to play with my female friends to help them learn the art of self defense. It helps them learn how to protect themselves when they walk the streets alone at night so they no longer have to live in fear but can stroll through rough neighborhoods with confidence.

The game is called Rape-Escape. Basically the idea is that I hide in the bushes until one of my female friends comes along at which point I jump out and try my best to rape them, while they try their best to escape. Now the object of the game is to escape being raped. If they do manage to escape the rape then they are awarded one point. If they are not able to escape then I receive one point. After the round is over we wait for a few nights before the second round begins. Each consecutive round is played the same way as the first and the first one to get five points wins the game.

In case you are wondering, I do not actually rape them. Why would I rape my friends? No no no. Play continues until the female either escapes or admits that, had I been an actual attacker, I could have raped and killed her. But I never actually do any raping or killing. Sometimes we can get caught up in the moment and I'll get maced or blood will be drawn, but that usually means an automatic time-out.

Come on, admit it

So I am of the opinion that 9 out of 10 people have gone to the bathroom and not wanted to wash their hands but thought that someone might hear them outside of the bathroom or maybe someone was in the stall or something and so they ran the water so it sounded like they were washing their hands but they weren't. I bet you have done that before at least once. I know I have.

Ambitions

I have three major goals for this blog.

Goal 1: I hope that no one ever sees this blog or finds out who it belongs to. So if you do happen to read it please don't post anything so that I can keep telling myslef that no one has ever seen it. This is an annonymous blog, and not one of those fake ones like my friend has but he tells select people about and he posts pictures of himself on it. No no, this is a real anonymous blog. You will never know who it is. It makes it more exciting that way. If you were to find out who it was you would not care in the least. But as long as you don't know (if anyone were to ever actually read this which I hope they don't) then you will always be thinking: I wonder if this is my friend, or the person I have a crush on, or could it be someone famous. Is this even really a guy? You will never know and so it is mysterious. One might ask "If you don't want anyone to see it then why have a blog." Good question. I guess it is kind of like an online journal that I can write zany things in or use profanity. For some reason I don't feel comfortable writing those things in my paper journal. I guess cause I know someone might read that one day and I want it to be mostly quality stuff in there. The other question you might be asking is "If no one ever sees or reads this aren't you kind of talking to yourself right now." Yes, and it is kind of weird.

Goal 2: My second goal is to never write the "F word" on this blog. I resisted creating a blog for so long because I thought that I wouldn't be able to restrain myself from using the "F word" but then I just really wanted to write about comas so I created one anyway and now I have a blog and so I thought I would write out this as a goal because that would help make it easier to keep.

I find that I gain alot of clarity flossing naked in front of the mirror.

Goal 3: I want to keep my posts short. Because it will be faster to write them and because it will be faster to read. You my be thinking that I am just some self important guy that thinks that people will care what he writes on his annonymous blog that he hopes that no one actually reads. But the fact is that I am not important and I don't really have a whole lot of anything to say so I will try to keep my blogs short so that I don't waste your time or my time.

It's not that I actually want to kill myself, it's just that if I found out tomorrow that I had terminal cancer I wouldn't make a big deal of it.

So those are my goals. I will add more as things go along and then maybe I will change the ones that I already have, or rearrange thier order. I just put drugs as one of the labels for this post even though it has nothing to do with drugs except for me saying that I put it as one of the labels even though it wasn't in this blog at all.

so yeah...

Coma Coma Coma

So have you ever wanted to be in a coma? I really wanted to be in a coma when I was in high school. I think it would be great if we could figure out a way to medically induce comas. It would be like a vacation from life, you know things getting a little stressful just take a week off. I wonder if you were addicted to cigarettes and you got yourself a three month coma if you could wake up without the physical addiction. You would probably still have the psychological habit but I wonder if it would make it easier to quit, I have heard that the first week is the hardest. Medically induced comas would definitely be a positive alternative to suicide. Instead of killing yourself you could just take a 3 year break and when you woke up everything would be totally different and it would be like a totally new life. And if things still sucked you could just go under another 3 years. I think that this could be a profitable business. We could charge by the week. We just need to figure out how to induce comas for a specific amount of time. If any one has any ideas how this could work let me know, cause I could really go for a coma right now.