CENSORED

OK, so I publish some pretty darn horrible things. Like this. Or this. Or this. But even I edit myself sometimes. Some of the things are just too wrong for me to publish. Unfortunately they are also too funny (maybe just to me, because I am a terrible person) for me to not publish. So I thought I would save them up and then publish them as their own terrible post. So here it is.

FIVE THINGS THAT I HAVE CENSORED FROM MY BLOG

"Did you know the majority of Muslims aren't even white? So they should be killing themselves anyway." (Censored from this post.)

"Even a woman with all of her natural frailty and physical inadequacy, can still order her Blacks to put some more Jews in the fireplace." (Censored from this post... which I guess finally explains the title doesn't it?)


OK so this one needs some explaining. In this case it was the entire idea for the blogpost that was censored. You see one day I ate some apple slices that came in a plastic pouch (already a terrible idea) but then the thing is that I went poo later that day (or maybe the next) and the apples came out totally intact, other than having been bitten in half. I thought "Wow this is why you don't eat apples that have been packaged in a plastic pouch." slash "Wow I need to chew my food better." And then I grabbed a plastic cup and fished them out of the toilet. I intended to take a photo of them and blog this whole story but then I was like "Oh wait, actually I don't want people to know (even though this blog is anonymous) that I fish my undigested, highly processed, industrial produce out of the toilet and keep it on my desk at work." So I never did the post. But I did leave it on my desk for a long long time. (A month at least... I forgot it was there.)

This next one doesn't technically qualify as something I edited from my blog. It's something I edited from Facebook. But I still wanted to write it somewhere... So here it is.

One of my "friends" posted this:
Need a job in NYC. Who can help me out

I responded with this:
Is shooting yourself a job?

Except I didn't. I edited myself. Cause being mean to pretty girls you barely know is only cool if you have a good reason. And I decided that her being pretty was not a good reason. I am all grown up.

EASIER SAID THAN DONE

Everything is easier said than done, except for saying "It's easier said than done." Which is equally difficult to say and do.

On growing up...

The difference between children and adults is that children spend their lives waiting for things to be different when they are grown up, and adults spend their lives pretending things are different from when they were children.

Dehydrated Horse Penis Walking Stick

Here are three pictures I found when I google image searched "Dehydrated Horse Penis Walking Stick".


Who would have thought these three pictures had anything in common. Unfortunately, I never found found what I was looking for... until I changed it to "dehydrated bull penis walking stick"

Out of the mouth of babes

This is a story that a five-year old French boy told me... in English.

"Do you know the juifs?" He asked me. Juif is French for Jew.
"Yes" I said.
"The juifs were in prison."
"I know," I replied, "but it wasn't because they did something wrong, it was because the leaders of the government made a bad choice."
Then he told me this story. "The daddy of Mamina (Mamina is his grandma) was a... a juif. And he was in prison but then someone said to him, come come, and he goed and he... um... escaped from prison. That's good huh."
"Yep, pretty good." I affirmed.
And then he added as an after thought. "But now he's dead anyway."

You are a wise, wise man young squire.

Reason to Survive

I haven't seen or heard from you in over ninety days.
You're in some other U.S. city, in some other U.S. state.
My feet are getting tired and it's getting kind of late.

So why am I still here? Why did I come, and why am I still here?

The church is filled with people so I'm standing in the back.
We try to ignore the sermon. Just another midnight mass.
Merry Christmas, you're all sinners. What else is there to add.

So why are we all here? Why did we come, and why are we all here?

The answer gently pricks me like a spear wound in my side.
We have all come searching for some reason to survive.
But it's been over ninety days since I have seen or heard from mine...




...So why am I still here?

Post-modernism

I google imaged searched "google image search"



I was disappointed that I couldn't find any pictures of actual google image searches so I just took a screen shot.